◖ july 5th - sept 2nd, 2025 ◗

hello.

there is so much that i want to tell you, but it grows harder each day to find the right words.

i am glad that this current chapter of my life is coming to an end. i am ready for what is next.

i like listening to that little fella chiikawa laughing. i'm very proud of them for finally passing their level 5 weeding exam.

when babycat cleans herself it makes me want to cry. i got babycat at the same time that my grandma got her cat vixin (aka fluffy cat), and they lived together for a large portion of their life. vixen was put down earlier this year when the one who birthed me put both of my grandparents into an old folks home. i saw her a week before she was put down. she was not doing well. the fur on her chest was knotted and she was missing most of her teeth. it seemed to me that she had given up. but i did not think the situation was dire enough to put her down. i think she just needed some help. even though it is not equivalent, it gives me a selfish robotic data-driven thought, that maybe i am capable of lessening the weight that is passed down with each generation.

i will be leaving philadelphia with babycat to go live in the woods. i always promised her that one day we would live in a place where she can be herself. i have to follow through now, before it is too late.

i apologize to those who have sent me emails about including my previously released music in something who i have not responded to. for small non-profit stuff like school projects and amvs i don't mind my songs being used at all (and you do not have to ask me for permission). for anything at all that could generate income, i am not interested. there is not a dollar amount that could be offered to me that would make me interested. there is not a subject that would make me interested. there is not a creator that would make me interested. it is unpleasant enough already to be misunderstood in the ways i currently am, i have no interest in selling my soul to make the misunderstanding worse. i am not a "vibe" or a marketing tool to make people like the thing you're trying to make. i am not a name to be dropped to convince people to take your thing seriously.

the 18 year old version of me who wrote your favorite dh song is dead, having been replaced molecule by molecule to create who i am today. and i like who i am now. for a very long time, i did not know how to properly process my emotions. i did not have someone in my life that i could talk to about "big" things. so i turned to music to process my emotions. it took a prolonged period of loneliness for me to start having those sort of conversations with myself. and through those conversations, i learned that i never wanted to kill myself, i just wanted the terrible things to stop happening all the time.

when i visited my grandparents in the old folks home, there was a hired entertainer. a performer singing older songs to a backing track for the residents. i think that in the future, speedrunners will be paid to visit old folks homes to play through nostalgic classics. like a room of 70/80 somethings watching someone 100% ocarina of time in 4 hours. personally, i'd prefer majora's mask. playing TAS videos would be too much for them, they'd think you're some sort of evil wizard. maybe start with a short any% and then when the old people inevitably say "that doesn't count as beating the game because you skipped things", hit them with the 100%.

i have another blog entry drafted up about some of my experiences + frequented places in philadelphia. i'll try to get that all together and posted in the near future.